


with a heart more tender

by EffervescentYellow



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:35:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21796198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EffervescentYellow/pseuds/EffervescentYellow
Summary: All Thomas ever wanted was just to be loved
Relationships: Thomas Barrow/Richard Ellis
Comments: 10
Kudos: 168





	with a heart more tender

Richard didn’t say a word as he drove, but his silence didn’t sound upset or judgmental. It was calming, really. Thomas just watched the dark outlines of the rolling Yorkshire hills pass them by and listened to the hum of the engine and the sound of the man next him breathing steadily. He had been trying to match his breathing with Richard’s for the past fifteen minutes, but his whole body was shaking, and he couldn’t seem to stop his heart from pounding like his death was just around the corner.

And frankly it had been.

He tried to push that thought out, but it stuck like syrup in his head and he couldn’t stop replaying the whole thing over and over in his mind. 

It wasn’t the only thing branded on his thoughts now, however. He also couldn’t stop thinking about Richard either: the way he’d stood there and smiled at him, reassuring him, tilting his hat, and pressing that finger to his lips. He was like an angel, and Thomas didn’t care how dramatic that sounded; he would remember the look on Richard’s after he did it for a very long time.

He could see Richard watching him out of the corner of his eye, and every time he saw Thomas catch him doing it, he just gave another soft smile and kept driving, waiting, it seemed, until Thomas was ready to talk. Thomas wasn’t sure he would ever be ready to talk, so thoroughly overwhelmed he was by the night’s events, but he felt like he should say something, so he gripped his hat tightly in his shaking hands and sucked in a deep breath.

“I shouldn’t have gone there tonight. I’m sorry you got dragged into this mess with me.”

“I shouldn’t have been late.”

“Being late didn’t almost cost you your livelihood…”

“Mr. Barrow,” Richard started, glancing at him fully, face full of sincerity, before flicking his eyes back to the road, “I think we can both agree that going to that dance hall tonight shouldn’t have almost cost you yours.” The way he said it, so decisively, made Thomas close his mouth and stop arguing.

Richard kept driving then, though his eyes were now pinned fully on the road, and Thomas thought that was the end of the conversation. Richard’s fingers started tapping on the wheel, though, and he eventually spoke up again, his voice more nervous that Thomas had heard so far. “I would have liked to dance with you.”

Richard didn’t turn to him while saying it, so Thomas almost thought he had misheard the man, “Sorry?”

“I mean what I said. I would have liked to dance with you.”

A different kind of nervousness stuck in Thomas’ chest then, and he couldn’t quite believe Richard’s words. He thought the night must be doing funny things to his head, but despite himself, he found himself replying into the quiet darkness, “I would have like to dance with you, too.” 

It felt a ridiculously uncircumspect thing to say, but when Richard looked at him again and smiled so sweetly, he thought he wouldn’t mind wearing his heart on his sleeve, if only just in that moment.

“What dances do you like, Mr. Barrow.”

“Anything really. I don’t get to dance nearly as much as I’d like.”

Richard looked at him coyly, “What would you liked to have danced with me?”

Thomas could feel himself blushing, but after the complete exhaustion of the evening he felt his control slipping, and without his consent the words, “Anything where I could have held you close,” dripped off his tongue.

Richard’s eyes blew wide at that, and his lips parted in surprise, “I think I would have liked that very much.”

\---

Once they got back to the house and were standing in the servant’s hall, Thomas could feel Richard’s eyes on him. He hung up his hat and coat and then turned towards the other man, not sure where to go from here. He thought standing in the light would have sobered him up, but he still felt just as drunk with emotion, and from the way Richard was looking at him, he thought the other man understood.

“Mr. Ellis-“ 

“Mr. Barrow-“ They both spoke at the same time, and Thomas let out a nervous laugh. “I rather think we can drop the formalities at this point, Mr. Barrow,” Richard continued.

“Then it’s Thomas to you.”

“Thomas-“ Richard started, pausing as he said his name, a look of delight crossing his face as he did, “Would you care to join me for a while, upstairs?”

Thomas didn’t know what Richard was offering, but he knew he wanted whatever it was, so he nodded and motioned for Richard to lead the way, heart thick in his throat. 

Richard’s eyes sparkled as he led Thomas into his room and quietly shut the door behind them. He turned towards Thomas then and looked him in the eye, a gorgeous blush high on his cheeks, “I want to dance with you.”

“We’ve not got any music.”

“Do we need it?” he asked simply. Thomas just continued to stare at him but then decided that circumspection was damned and reached out his hand, an offering.

Richard took it and pulled them close together, leaving just an inch of space between them. Thomas took the lead, head spinning from the fact the he had a man in his arms for the second time that day. Richard’s grip was warm and sure in his, and Thomas pressed his other hand firmly into the other man’s back as he began to spin them around in slow waltz, the only music their breath. As they spun lazily around the room, Richard tilted his head forward until their foreheads met, faces resting together. Thomas felt a shiver run down his spine and pressed Richard closer to him until he could feel the warmth of Richard’s chest and the tips of his shoes grazing against his own. His eyes closed of their own accord, giving into the late hour and the headiness of the moment.

“I suppose I should let you rest,” Richard murmured.

“I think you should do no such thing.”

“You’ll be butler again in the morning.”

“And you’ll be gone.”

Richard didn’t reply to that; instead, he moved his hand down, switching their positions so that he was now leading their dance. He moved gracefully around the room, intoxicating Thomas further with the soft guide of his hands. When he finally brought them to a stop, he leaned in and pressed his lips tenderly against Thomas’ cheek before pulling back and looking at him, a honeyed look in his eyes.

“Get some rest, you’ve had an awfully long day.”

Thomas was so stunned by the moment that he just did as Richard said and headed back to his own room, though not before giving Richard’s hand a tight squeeze. As soon as he laid down in bed, he regretted not having the nerve to kiss Richard fully; his cheek burned fiercely where the other man’s lips had been. Still, though, his heart beat fully as he drifted off to sleep, because at the end of it, all he’d ever really wanted was just to be held.

\---

The next morning he sat once more at his desk, trying to decipher what, if any, of the night before had been a dream, and what, if anything, he and Richard were meant to be, when Richard found him, that charming, loving smile still on his face, same as the night before. Thomas felt like he lost all ability to speak clearly as soon as he saw him, starting to stumble over words, but then Richard suggested they be something decidedly more than friends and his head was spinning, almost overwhelmed. 

Richard looked at him, seeming to understand, and moved to close the door to the pantry before leaning forward, lifting his hand to caress Thomas’ jaw, and pressing their lips together. It was so sweet and tender and filled with care that Thomas felt like he could cry if he wasn’t careful. He lifted his own hand to run along the back of Richard’s neck and felt his heart burning deeply as Richard stepped even closer, bringing them together like they were when they danced.

A knock at the door and Andy’s voice broke them apart quickly, but Thomas could see the stuttered breathing on Richard’s chest and the way his pupils were dark and knew he meant it when he kissed him. Richard handed him the pendant then, and Thomas thought it fit in the palm of his hand like it had always meant to be there, and when he said so without thinking, Richard kissed him again.

“We’ll see each other again.” He said firmly, and it wasn’t a question.

\---

Richard was right. They wrote to each other often, and it was enough because it had to be, but when Thomas finally had accumulated enough time off, he made his way to London with only one thought in his mind. They had learned more about each other through their letters, and the more he learned, the more he could feel himself falling for the man who wrote them.

He clutched the pendant tightly in his hand for the whole ride there until a small indent in the shape of the moon formed on the inside of his palm.

Richard met him at the station with a tilted hat and smile that threatened to beat out the sun in its warmth. They made their way through the crowded London streets, hands brushing occasionally, and from the look of joy on Richard’s face, Thomas knew it was on purpose.

When they finally got to the small hotel and up into the room, Thomas finally felt himself relax, the stress and exhaustion and need to see the man before him melting slowly off his shoulders. Richard took both hands in his and rubbed circles on the backs with his thumbs, making Thomas’ heartbeat quicken and chest begin to fill with warmth.

“I’ve dreamt about this for months. I was never really sure if it would happen,” Richard said almost reverently.

“Well you made a promise, didn’t you? That we’d see each other again.”

“I did.”

“And now we’re here,” Thomas’ smile faltered just slightly then, “Are you glad?”

Richard shook his head and pulled Thomas against him to whisper into his neck, “I thought you would have realized by now that there is absolutely no place I would rather be.”

And then Thomas tilted his head so that their lips met, and everything seemed to fall into place. It was searing and yet achingly tender as Richard’s hands wandered across his back and into his hair and Thomas could feel himself getting lost in the kiss, and so he pressed closer, wanting more than anything just to be loved.


End file.
